I’m sitting here at the doctor’s office, and – men feel free to tune out for this one if you want. I’m at the GYNO and am deciding if now is the time to go birth control free or not.
I’ve been married for two years. We are healthy, happy and the most financially stable we have been since we got married. We want kids, like two or three of them. How do you decide you are ready or not?
Is there a way to even determine that?
There are so many emotions right now that it’s hard to tell which ones to listen too and which ones are just fleeting intrusive thoughts. There are ones that tell me I’d be a terrible mom, that I don’t know what to do with a son or even a girl for that matter, that I’m too OCD for the messiness. There are the apprehensive ones saying “but what if _____ goes wrong?” and then there are the sweet thoughts of holding this kiddo who is ours and would be so incredibly loved that we would do everything in our power to take care of them and show them Jesus. Like I said… so. many. emotions.
I grew up with an older sister that is about 5 years older than me and a little sister who is 21 months younger than I am. All girls with all girl pets growing up too – my poor dad. My mom said she used to want 3 boys growing up since she had brothers and when she ended up with three girls she would say that God knew what she needed even if she didn’t.
Let’s take that last part again…
“God knew what she needed even if she didn’t.”
Woah. As a believer and sinful human these words are still hard to hear. I don’t care who you are – if you hear that you don’t have control of something, it stings. It hits you to the core of who you are. Some of us fight like hell to make it happen or make it work. Think about it… how many of us have forced a friendship, dating relationship, work relationship, a business, a car with mechanical issues, the list goes on. Guys, I was that person who turned the volume up in the car so I didn’t hear my car brakes squeal. We’ve all been there, we’ve all forced something that maybe you had a small inkling it wouldn’t work, but you so desperately wanted it too. Maybe you didn’t get that feeling, but it still didn’t work out. That’s okay.
I am the easiest going person outside of my home. Whatever happens, happens right? But inside my home? Nope. A leaf on the floor that I forgot to sweep up? THE LITERAL WORST THING EVER AND IT JUST RUINED MY WHOLE NIGHT.
I liked being able to control my little bubble of my home and keep it tidy and clean and organized. It was the one thing I could control. I can’t control job offers retracted, job loss multiple times in a year, 4 ER visits, 2 major surgeries, or the money going out being more than the money coming in. To be honest, I struggle with this control concept every single day. Have I overcome a lot of this internal struggle, yes I have and it has taken me about 3-4 years just to get where I’m at today. I learned to journal and meditate when things start to stress me out. Armando will notice our entire house is spotless when my brain is overthinking about all the external stressors and he’ll gently remind me to sit down and take a deep breath. I fall short and I probably always will.
I can’t control when they get sick, when they throw food all over the floor, when they wake up at odd hours of the night crying, etc. That’s just the thing though. Those things will all happen, 100% guaranteed. I need to have a swift chat with myself to trust the God I know and love that He knows what is best for me and for my family. Ultimately, I don’t know what I need. I know what I want, but like the famous song says, “we can’t always get what we want.“
Maybe kids aren’t in the plan for me, maybe they are.
Maybe that relationship/business/career/school/etc. isn’t in the plan for you, but then again – maybe it is.
Here’s to trusting and being ready, or not!